Much Needed Therapy
by nlduffy
Summary: Sasuke and others undergo some much needed therapy.
1. The Arrival

_Title: The Home for Tragic Heroes _

_A/N: This was a originally a one-shot, written to amuse myself, and others, at band camp. But nothing ever goes the way we want it to, now does it? I introduced a friend of mine to anime during a jazz camp, and her first reaction to seeing most of the main characters was something along the lines of "Oh wow, they must need a lot of therapy." This insight made a lot of sense to me, and I said to myself: "Self, how would you like to write a horrible OOC fanfic about therapy?" Naturally, I agreed with myself, because I always have the best ideas. So, in short, if you don't like this, blame Mountain Dew, acoustic basses, and the phrase "this one time, at band camp..."_

_Disclaimer: Of course I own Naruto, Gundam Wing, Yu Yu Hakusho, Rurouni Kenshin, Full Metal Alchemist and Ranma ½! Yup, all mine. cough They totally belong to me. twiddles thumbs_

Chapter 1: The Arrival

_Welcome To Nori-chan's Home For Anime Heroes With Major Issues!_

"Hn." Uchiha Sasuke commented dryly as he was escorted through the doors of said establishment. Sasuke, like many other characters in this story was sent to Nori-chan's for EXTENSIVE court ordered therapy. In Sasuke's case his "crime" was the attempted murder of his former teammate Uzumaki Naruto. Sasuke's efforts had left Naruto brain-dead, and the villagers welcomed it as a change for the better.

As the officer took the handcuffs off of Sasuke, he took time to look around. The "home" was like nothing he had ever seen before. The reader would recognize it as a large Victorian era mansion with grounds roughly the size of a tiger preserve. To Sasuke, from the apartment riddled Konoha, it just looked weird.

He was seated in a rather uncomfortable wooden chair facing the most foreboding looking wooden desk he had ever seen. However, its imposing terrifying-ness was completely negated by the personage seated at it. "Greetings, Uchiha Sasuke, and welcome to my home," chirped a rotund forty-ish looking woman. She wore thick framed glasses and had long, rather unbecoming brown hair. "I'm Nori, and if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." Sasuke smiled. This was going to be easier than he thought. He focused his attention back on Nori, who was now pointing out events on some sort of social calendar. "The ones with stars are mandatory, with a penalty if you skip. You look like a smart boy Sasuke, I'll be expecting you to make good decisions while you are here. If you don't..." At this, Nori's eyes narrowed dangerously, "I have the court's permission to deal with you as I see fit." "Whoa," Sasuke thought as he was escorted out of the office "...that was kinda creepy."

Once situated in his room, Sasuke sat cross-legged on his uncomfortable institution-issue mattress and read over his schedule. To his amusement, he noticed that group therapy, a starred activity, had started five minutes ago. He decided it wasn't worth it to show up late and flopped back on his bed to survey his room. A wall unit held a chest of drawers and a mirror, and an AM/FM radio, an antiquated piece of technology Sasuke wasn't quite familiar with. In the corner of the room was a door that led, Sasuke supposed, to the bathroom. Next to his bed was a similar mattress, but in a slightly more disheveled state. Sasuke assumed that it belonged to his roommate. The walls were painted a bland white, with almost a puke green undertone.

Sasuke closed his eyes, partially to ponder his current situation, but mostly to keep the awful color from scarring his optical nerves too badly. He had barely started to meditate when the door burst open. There stood Nori, hair blown back by some frenzied invisible wind, eyes ablaze. "UCHIHA SASUKE!!!!" she thundered in a voice her tiny, pudgy frame didn't look like it was capable of producing. "WHY ARE YOU NOT AT THERAPY!?!?!?!" Sasuke cleared his throat to try to make his defense. "NO TALKING, SPINELESS WORM!" Nori bellowed, eyes shooting sparks. "Therapy is a starred event, and starred events are MANDATORY!" Sasuke yawned, and surveyed his room once more.

"YOU BETTER LISTEN, YOU MANGY WEASEL WITH A HANG-OVER! I OWN YOUR LIFE FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS! Now," Nori continued in a slightly friendlier tone, "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to punish you for this. Come with me please!" Sasuke stared at her in shock. She must be crazy. No one in their right minds would willingly follow her to a punishment, like a lamb to a slaughter. "Crazy bitch is gonna have to catch me first!" He thought triumphantly, and in a stunning display of aerial ninjutsu...

....ended up in a headlock as Nori dragged him down the hall towards the back entrance.

I mentioned before that the reader might compare the grounds of the Home to a tiger preserve. In actuality, that's exactly what is was. This tiger preserve contained several hungry, and not oft fed, Bengal tigers, each with a hankering for human flesh. Sasuke had no way of knowing this, and consequentially was slightly less terrified than he ought to be.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The participants in group therapy were temporarily distracted as a child with dark hair streaked by the window, covered in raw meat. One of the patients couldn't resist a laugh. "Baka must have got off on the wrong foot with Nori..." Then, as if this happened every day, which it often did, therapy resumed as usual.

Needless to say, Sasuke wasn't feeling to perky later that evening. Nursing his stub of a pinky and various other war wounds, he was not in a mood for visitors. Which is why his first encounter with his roommate involved a lot of swearing.

"AAAA, get off me!" exclaimed the boy angrily as Sasuke realized, in a flash of brilliance, that this might be his roommate and relented. "Sorry," Sasuke muttered, and returned to his cross-legged spot on the bed. "Dear god, not another Heero," grumbled the boy to himself, brushing off the front of his black shirt and adjusting his long brown braid. Once he had deemed himself presentable he approached the other boy with a smile. "I'm Duo Maxwell, and you must be Uchiha Sasuke. What are you in for?"

Not looking up, Sasuke grumbled "attempted murder," and went back to gazing at his lack of pinky. Duo waited a few seconds before realizing he wasn't going to get a perky "and what are you here for, buddy?" back, and decided to forge ahead in his preplanned speech as though such an exchange had indeed occurred.

"They locked me up in here for insanity. I guess murder too, but mainly insanity. I'm the God of Death, you know!" He accompanied this proclamation with a little dance. Sasuke yawned. Duo didn't give up though, and continued on with his good natured rambling, while Sasuke planned yet another homicide in his head.

"I'm in for insanity, but if you ask me, Nori-chan's the one that should be locked up. Did you hear what happened to poor Quatre? Well, I guess you haven't yet. He couldn't take it anymore and ran away. They brought him back...as a eunuch. It's a horrible shame, but at least we now have a soprano for our choir." Sasuke remained outwardly calm, but inside his mind was in turmoil. "_Choir? Dear god, no!"_

_A/N: Random? Hell yeah! Funny? I really hope so. Reviews better story, I promise!!_


	2. The First Day

_A/N: So, this survived its first chapter. I'm surprised. Especially since I still have no plot ideas. Oh well. If you liked it (I'm not sure why) nothing's going to stop you from reading the next chapter. Go on then, read away. _

Disclaimer: See the first chapter!

Ch. 2: Choir, Pottery and "The Unfortunate Monkey Incident."

The next day, Sasuke woke up bright and early to the sound of a high pitched screaming down the hallway. "**WHO DUMPED COLD WATER ON ME?!?!?!" ** a distinctly feminine voice bellowed from the room next door, and despite Sasuke's sleep deprived and tiger addled brain, he managed to come up with one coherent thought: _"Sakura-chan? I didn't know hell was co-ed…"_ After this amazing display of lucidity, Sasuke immediately passed out. Duo peered over at his roommate and said the first semi-cheerful thing he could think of: "I guess this means I'm showering first?' It would have caused both of them a lot less embarrassment if Sasuke remembered that statement when, 5 minutes later, he awoke with an urgent need to pee.

One round of red-faced apologies later, Sasuke and Duo headed down to breakfast, neither quite able to look the other in the eye. Sasuke was very annoyed to find that the tiny cafeteria of the Home was almost filled to capacity. Meaning, he had to sit with people….and make polite conversation about the consistency of this morning's ration of gruel. "So not worth it." Sasuke grumbled, and turned to head back towards his room. Duo called after him, "This is a starred activity. I guess you aren't that attached to your other pinky?"

Which is how Sasuke happened to be sitting at a crowded table across from a red headed girl with very large breasts, who returned Sasuke's stares with a cryptic "It's just until the water boils." Sasuke didn't even pretend to understand that one.

Being the new kid, Sasuke was subjected to various bouts of questioning during exercise time that morning.

"Hey kid, were you a main character or a subplot?"

"Are you really a ninja, or are you just saying that?"

And of course, Sasuke's favorite: "You got a woman in that storyline of yours?"

He answered all questions with a resounding "Hn."

He learned that group therapy was split up into three different sets, held at different times throughout the day, and each set had three different therapy focus groups. For set one, the inmates were split up into "Dealing With Our Pasts," "Male Or Female?" and "What Is My Point In This Story?" All the unimportant characters struggling with depression were grouped into this last one. With a sigh, Sasuke was shoved off to "Dealing With Our Pasts."

Once seated, Sasuke looked around him, and noticed that he did indeed know someone here. Gaara, a ninja from the same story as Sasuke was seated near the window, looking incredibly bored with his surroundings. But that's how Gaara always looked. Next to Gaara was an incredibly short boy wearing a black dress, and a white headband. Sasuke wondered briefly if this boy were supposed to be in "Male Or Female?" Then, the therapist showed up and Sasuke dropped into his seat, wondering if he had accidentally been marked gender confused as well. The therapist in front of him had long red hair, and was wearing…..pink? Or was it purple? Whatever it was, decided Sasuke, it was hideous. The therapist carefully set down a sheathed sword next to his chair before introducing himself. "I see we have a new boarder!" The man(?) chirped cheerfully. "This one's name is Kenshin, and this one will be helping you with dealing with your past. Today we will be sharing our stories, and then we will be working on this one's favorite exercise, repression! Why don't we have the new one start? Name and issue please." Sasuke wearily got to his feet and stared at his lack of pinky. "My name is Uchiha Sasuke, and I don't have a problem." He sat down again quickly, completely missing the knowing look Kenshin gave to his two fellow "boarders."

"Wrong answer!" cried Kenshin almost joyfully, and with a gleeful "OROOOO" beat Sasuke soundly over the head with the sheath of his sword. "Try again!" Sasuke staggered to his feet and mumbled something along the lines of "My brother, a genius ninja, that I always looked up to, murdered my entire clan when I was seven, just to see what he was capable of. He kept me alive, after torturing me, because I wasn't worth killing."

Kenshin clapped as Sasuke sat down. "Gaara-dono, you next!" Gaara, the previously mentioned, stood up slowly and stifled a yawn. "I'm Gaara of the Sand, and my father fused me with a sand demon thing at birth, killing my mother. I grew up ostracized from the village, and once I got old enough, I had to deal with assassination attempts carried out on me by people I loved, ordered by my father. Now, even my family is scared of me, and I can never sleep at night because of HIM." Gaara too sat down quickly.

"Hiei-dono, you next please!" Kenshin twittered. Hiei stalked to the center of the circle and offered the briefest synopsis of his "issue" yet. "My name's Hiei, and my aunt dropped me off of a cliff shortly after

birth."

After several of Kenshin's repression exercises, Sasuke was sent off to his next class, another starred event: Choir. Just as Sasuke had suspected, the world was really out to get him. He complained loudly to the staff, repeating over and over again that he didn't sing. Despite his protests, he was soon locked in an audition room with two burly looking male counselors, holding a piece called "The River Sleeps."

"Just try your best, Sasuke." One of the counselors said encouragingly, giving Sasuke a warm smile… which quickly faded as Sasuke tried to sing. Try being the operative word in this sentence. You see, in the great scheme of things, no one can really be talented at everything. Everybody has a flaw, in the famous Uchiha Clan, it was the complete and utter lack of musical ability. As Sasuke finished the selection he was supposed to read, he looked up to stare at the counselors who had been so encouraging not two minutes before. One fell out of his chair with a catatonic glaze in his eyes. The other one, after clearing his throat several times, and completely failing to wipe the expression of terror off his face, managed to cough out a "Well…that was….rhythmic…" Another long pause followed, in which a cricket almost as tone deaf as Sasuke began to chirp loudly, and was shunned by all of cricket-kind. "Perhaps you could play drums for the choir…" The counselor suggested finally. "Any Baka can hit two sticks together." Apparently, any idiot _besides _Sasuke. By the end of choir rehearsal, Sasuke was even getting glares from Ranma, reverted once again to girl form to keep Quatre company on the soprano line. On the way to pottery class, Sasuke pouted prettily, attracting the amorous intentions of several of the members of the "Male or Female?" therapy group.

Pottery went well for Sasuke, meaning that it did not involve digital amputation or public humiliation. In fact, it went well, even by normal standards. Sasuke was ignored, just the way he liked it, and peacefully made shurikens in the corner while Duo and several others attempted to construct a model of Michelangelo's David. To say this class period was completely uneventful, however, would be a lie. The pottery teacher was now the proud owner of one sand-crushed leg, having suggested one too many times that perhaps Gaara would like to use clay and not sand for his many sculptures depicting grisly death. Random figures of authority just didn't seem to get the hint.

Gaara gloated quietly to himself, until Nori showed up. Then the redhead turned a paler shade of white than ever before seen on a living human. Over Nori's frustrated bellowing could be heard Gaara's plaintive cry: "NOT THE SWIMMING POOOOOOL!"

Sasuke quietly pocketed a few of his finished shurikens and ambled off back to his room, presumably to prepare his stomach for another potentially lethal dose of institution food. Once back in his room however, he quickly hid his badly made throwing stars in the radio, which he had dismantled the night before, having nothing better to do than mock non-ninja technology. His room happened to overlook the pool, and attracted by the screams, Sasuke wandered over to the window to observe the tortures Nori was inflicting on his fellow….thing.

"THERE WILL BE MONKEYS TO PAY FOR THIS, GAARA!!" Nori screamed at a sodden Gaara flailing in the kiddie pool. "NOT MY MONKEYS!!!!" Gaara screamed back desperately, as close to pleading as this writer will ever write him. Sasuke grinned. Monkeys, eh? This could be useful…

"Hey Gaara, how are your monkeys?" Sasuke queried good naturedly, passing Gaara in the hallway after lunch.

…..Which is how our unfortunate hero ended up in the medical wing with the words "Sasuke, you are my prey" tattooed in bright maroon on his forehead. Sasuke could never look a monkey in the face again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A/N: "The River Sleeps" is a horrible choir piece that reads like a badly written LotR fanfic poem. Yet another band camp reference.

Review Plea: I'm reallllly desperate for plot ideas, people! Reviews would be nice too.


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